Cat Lovers, now you know.

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Andy1964

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Post by Andy1964 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:48 pm
A bit long winded but does it ring true with anyone?

Cats Guide To Humans
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.

True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.

Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

Funds paid to date accepted as F&F 16th August 2013, the wait for completion begins.
Wait over....certificate recieved 3rd May 2014
 
 

kallis3

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Post by kallis3 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:50 pm
Dog lover me![:D]
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Jan01

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Post by Jan01 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:54 pm
One of my boys sleeps on top of the wardrobe and at about 3-30am thinks its great fun to jump on me from the top of the wardrobe, he looks so pleased with self and thinks my sudden movement that I am playing which is what he wants.

Jan
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kallis3

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Post by kallis3 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:32 pm
Three dogs who all sleep on, or in the bed!

At least they are settled once we turn the light off!
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt
The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.
Bob Marley.
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Skippy

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Post by Skippy » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:18 pm
So true! I just hope that Harry doesn't decide to change me for another human!
 
 

Shining

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Post by Shining » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:23 pm
I'm a dog lover too but my dogs wouldn't know we had an upstairs as they've certainly never been up there, they have their own bed and I have mine x
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Skippy

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Post by Skippy » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:36 pm
Harry has the run of the house and sleeps wherever he likes. The back of the sofa is ruined where he's made his bed on it over the years!

He's also got his own chair by the bedroom window so he can sit and look out, and we often find him curled up on my pillow!
 
 

Shining

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Post by Shining » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:38 pm
So long as you're happy with that Skippy I think it's lovely, I'm a bit of an OCD person where they have to have their own bed and own space and vice versa, we're all different and so long as the pets are happy and healthy that's the aim of the game x
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Skippy

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Post by Skippy » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:42 pm
I've tried to encourage him to sleep on the bed at night as well, but he prefers the sofa as he can stretch out!

The only thing he gets told not to do is sharpen up on the side of the bed, anything else he gets away with!
 
 

kallis3

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Post by kallis3 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:47 pm
Lloyd keeps me warm in the winter!

My dogs have always had the run of the house. When we go out then Topsy is shut in the kitchen and the other two are in the living room and dining room. Daren't leave them all together as they would wreck the house!
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt
The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.
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Shining

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Post by Shining » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:49 pm
Mine are outside all day, winter or summer they have an 8x6 shed with beds in and no wind can get in (door is open at all times) they have full run of the garden as it's 100% secure. x
IVA final payment left the bank on the 26th January 2013...looking forward to a debt free future.
 
 

Skippy

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Post by Skippy » Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:59 pm
Although I prefer cats I'm trying to convince Dave that we should get a dog in the future as I would love an ex racing greyhound.

It'll have to be when at least one of us can work part time so we can be with it though.
 
 

Shining

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Post by Shining » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:02 pm
I love them Skippy, my friend has two! My hubby don't like them at all but he likes big fat dogs and if he had his way which he'll never get he'd have a newfie or similar but my goodness I'd never cope with one of them.

My granddaugther has been outside blowing bubbles for the cocker today, they spend hours together, she blows the bubbles he jumps all over bursting them, not bad considering he's almost blind!
IVA final payment left the bank on the 26th January 2013...looking forward to a debt free future.
 
 

Skippy

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Post by Skippy » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:07 pm
It's the look on their faces that I like - they look so gentle, and almost grateful for a second chance in life.

We just couldn't have one at the moment as the house is too small, and it wouldn't be fair as we both work full time.

Harry might have something to say as well!
 
 

Shining

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Post by Shining » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:16 pm
I think it's wonderful to rehome a greyhound and they're very easy to look after. Very sensible attitude there too Skippy xx
IVA final payment left the bank on the 26th January 2013...looking forward to a debt free future.
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