Dealing with the shame

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Willow26

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Post by Willow26 » Mon Jan 11, 2021 4:56 pm
So first of all I’m so glad that I found this forum! Reading some of your stories has been so helpful for me so I thought I’d do a little sharing myself..

I’m nearly a year into my IVA which I took out after racking up 8k in debt being young and dumb. So far I’m feeling like it was the best decision for me and I was drowning in ridiculous interest payments so finding my finances much more manageable now. The only thing I seem to be struggling with throughout this is the shame of it all. I feel really embarrassed to have taken out an IVA especially as I feel like I’m at a point in my life at 30 years old where I really want to be building a life and a planning for my future.

In all honesty this just feels like I dark cloud over my head with an end so far away. Anyone else have this feeling? If so how have you coped?

Foggy

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Post by Foggy » Mon Jan 11, 2021 5:30 pm
I think we have all gone through this at some point. But the thing to bear in mind is that, whilst there are others who are sticking their heads in the sand, you are doing something positive to sort the situation out. In most cases, eventually, a solution or enforcement is forced upon us, unless we act pro-actively and sort ourselves out.

There are many, many reasons for getting into debt, most beyond our control or the result of a set of circumstances converging at the same time.
My opinions are merely that .. opinions based on experience. Always seek professional advice.
IVA Completed 23rd July 2013 .... C.C. 10th January 2014
http://foggy.blogs.iva.co.uk

luluj

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Post by luluj » Tue Jan 12, 2021 4:08 am
You have done the hardest thing- acknowledging your debt and seeking help. Your level of debt is very small compared to lots of others - ours back in 2007 when we needed help via snow iva topped £50k!

Look at it as a 5 year loan, not a debt. Each payment is a loan repayment .... you have already cleared 20% of your payments ...

Life after an iva is like starting all over - we moved from a mortgage house into rented during our iva, and were desperate to get back on the housing ladder. We used a whole of the market mortgage broker (Ryan who is now a forum expert on here) who helped us realise that dream when we had a deposit ready once again.
We are now 10 years into home ownership again, life has thrown a few curveballs including us building up debt again when husband unable to work, but again using Ryan we were able to re-mortgage to stretch our term and reduce our monthly payment.

An iva is life changing and should not be seen as an embarrassing situation - its a really positive step forward to debt freedom.

We are here for you and will offer support and advice when you need it.
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt

There is a solution for everyone .... Just need to stay positive !

Look at my blog "All I wanted was a baby"

lauren923

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Post by lauren923 » Tue Jan 12, 2021 6:08 pm
You are not alone , I am 25 years old and in my first year of my iva and most days I feel such shame about it , but then I remember why I got the iva ,

I was in a mentally Abusive relationship for 4 years and wracked up 18k debt to keep my partner happy ( he wasn’t a uk resident so found it hard to get credit ) and used me to finance his expensive lifestyle , I then found out after moving out of my family home into a flat with him that he was cheating on me with multiple women . Because of how much debt I had in my name I didn’t leave him as I new I couldn’t afford the rent and bills plus my debt on my own , until I found out about getting a iva , this has enabled me to Chuck him out of the flat , I am managing my living finances on my own and my debt to . I am so much happier living on my own and without the mental abuse from him , but I do have really low days where I feel shame about being so young in a iva and having to explain it to any future boyfriend . But you should be proud you are taking the responsibility in sorting your finances and debt :) it’s a long road but I know once the final month comes being debt free will be the best feeling ever , and if anything I have learned that I will never ever let anyone take advantage of me financially again , and I will never get into debt . Keep your chin up x

Willow26

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Post by Willow26 » Mon Feb 08, 2021 4:26 pm
Thank you all so much for you’re replies, they have actually really helped me. I’m in the process of moving into new rented accommodation at the moment and at first the anxiety of not knowing whether any landlords would expect me was driving me crazy but I bit the bullet and started the process. To my complete surprise every landlord I asked said they didn’t mind as long as I had a guarantor which has allowed me to find a beautiful new place now.

What was said about thinking of this as a 5 year loan has really struck a chord with me and makes it feel a little less daunting. I do worry about having to explain my IVA to future partners but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now I know it was absolutely the right decision for me, my financial situation is already so much better. Here’s to the next 4 years!

luluj

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Post by luluj » Tue Feb 09, 2021 4:02 am
Willow26 glad my experiences and others have helped.
Process it in small chunks. See everything as a step closer to a new life.
You are young enough to turn this all around still and am sure you will ... this is just a little blip on the journey of life - we all have them, just some get them more than others.
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt

There is a solution for everyone .... Just need to stay positive !

Look at my blog "All I wanted was a baby"

AMB123

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Post by AMB123 » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:04 am
So it’s 5:57am and I’m up again with worry and anxiety about my IVA, I feel as though it’s all I ever think about. Even looking forward. I’m 29 years old and less than a year in I got a promotion at work which was great but then got hit with the higher payments for my IVA. I only started with 8K in debt and now instead of paying the original £90 a month I’m having to pay £235.

I feel absolutely hopeless, worthless and worried about everything all the time, like I’m stuck in a trap forever. It effecting my sleep, which in turn is going to undoubtedly ruin my day work today as I will work myself into such a panic in the next hour or so before work I won’t be able to focus for the first part of the day.

Someone please tell me it gets better

luluj

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Post by luluj » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:25 am
Go back in the thread and read my post to the original poster.

Life does get easier and the way to deal with the current situation is see it as a "loan".

If you have doubled your original payments due to a pay rise your creditors will get a better return.

You will only ever pay back your original debt plus IP fees, and possible statutory interest, so over the term of the IVA you will this new payment amount reach 100p in the £.

Don't worry over the past. Focus on the future, start to think about small changes once your "loan" has finished that you want to do.
One year of a 5 year IVA is 20% complete
Two is 40%
Three is 60% .... see it soon hikes up and before you know it you will be done....
Sharing from experiences of dealing with debt

There is a solution for everyone .... Just need to stay positive !

Look at my blog "All I wanted was a baby"

Willow26

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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2021 4:48 pm

Post by Willow26 » Wed Oct 20, 2021 2:19 am
Hey AMB123, sorry I know you posted a while ago but I’ve only just seen it. I thought I would update you a little on how I’m feeling now, maybe it’ll help maybe it won’t but I’ve been helped by reading other peoples stories on here so I might as well share mine.

What you’re describing to me sounds like anxiety and understandably so. I have suffered from depression and anxiety myself since I was a kid but always been able to manage it, being in this IVA seems like it made my anxiety 10x worse to the point where I am now in therapy. Like you it consumed my mind all day every day, woke me up in the middle of the night and at times I even struggled to look people in the eye because of the amount of shame and dred I felt. The only people that knew my situation were my family, to my friends and everyone else I was doing just fine but seeing my friends buying houses, getting engaged and doing all the normal life stuff was a constant reminder of how much of a shit situation I was in. One drunken night I finally admitted to one of my best friends the situation I was in, we actually live together and ironically she works in wealth management. My pride wouldn’t let me speak to her sooner and this whole IVA could have probably been avoided if I did but the instant relief I felt just sharing it with one other person was priceless. No judgement, no looking down on me infact it was the opposite - a lot of understanding and she opened up about her own financial problems which made me feel good because sometimes it feels like I’m the only person in the world with this big, dirty debt stamp on my life. I say this to say don’t bottle this in and internalise all this blame on yourself, debt is a very normal thing and you’d be surprised at how many people are suffering in silence.

After that I was made redundant from my job of 2 years so no pay out. There I was; 31 years old with no savings, no job, an IVA and having to sign on to universal credit for the first time in my life (anxiety x 1000000000). After a month I managed to find a pretty good job at a prestigious university in a management role which was a step up for me. 3 weeks in I hated it, anxiety through the roof, crying most nights and feeling despair everyday and then something just clicked. I hated my job and that was partly because I understood my value, my career aspirations and what I wanted from life and this job wasn’t it. It was almost like a ‘girl you better recognise who you are’ moment and the next day I quit and it was really that abrupt. Yes I was still in a shit position but it made me realise that this IVA is not the be all and end all in my life and does not define me, same way that job was not the be all and end all and definitely didn’t define me. I haven’t got my happy ending just yet and the mental health effects of this for me have been VERY real but you know what, it’s a process I have to go through so why torture myself.

I’m rambling now so I’ll try to wrap up but the main things I wanted to get across are
1. You are not alone and I can almost guarantee you that there are people in way worse positions than you.
2. Being in an IVA is shit and inconvenient and embarrassing but thank god you had the balls to do something about your situation instead of just being passive about it and watching it get worse. Applaud yourself for that because that’s not a step everyone has the guts to take.
3. Like everything in life, the IVA will come to an end eventually and life will definitely go on. Think of where you were 5 years ago and how quickly that time has gone. Use this time now to save as much as you can and develop good money habits, you’re future self will thank you for it 😊

Foggy

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Post by Foggy » Wed Oct 20, 2021 8:30 am
Excellent post, Willow. Thank you so much for sharing.

AMB123, I hope that you are beginning to feel better about the IVA. There is no shame in recognising a problem and picking yourself up to deal with it.
My opinions are merely that .. opinions based on experience. Always seek professional advice.
IVA Completed 23rd July 2013 .... C.C. 10th January 2014
http://foggy.blogs.iva.co.uk
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