Advice for Ox

[Ox1987]

So would we I have stated that if I could I would downsize the whole lot (House/Job/Car) as long as I could be happy again and have my family round me and they were safe and happy. I would live in a tent for that. I have been a victim of my own success a bit combined with the economic downturn. Is that really all my fault. I have studying for years to get where I am and dont want to lose that trade if I can.
This issue is to downsize etc would mean BR as the house wouldnt sell for as much as I owe on mortgage they have really dropped recently and there would be a shortfall, so I am a bit trapped. Strange as I bought the house when I was on around 20k less that I am now though the wife added some but no near 20k. If we can manage I will stay on and fight for it, but the IVA is a critical part of that and hopefully the F&F then we can have a fight for it.

And even though I may not show it properly I am a fully devoted husband and dad and would die for the lot of them. There is nothing I would not do, but this black cloud makes it look like I will not

[josu]

I get this OX, which is why i have said that i worry even with the IVA you will still feel very worried by your big mortgage and secured loan. Just dont forget that your wife will be working some day soon, the IVA will take away your secured debts and you will be able to breathe again. There is always an option when it comes to debt, its only money OX, there is always an answer!

[Shining]

Josu do you mean the IVA will take away your unsecured debt?

[Ox1987]

Well I was trying to look at it that way she will be working and I have options for payrises in the future and hopefully we could be ok. I am hoping that I will get around a £10-15k payrise within a year as they know i took a drop to come here. Hopefully that would give some breathing space.
Well we have to be. When house prices rise again hopefully I will give some serious consideration to selling and renting to make things better.
As said the only option to do something with the house is bankruptcy but I was trying to avoid that with the IVA, dont we owe it to the kids to try the IVA and budget tightly. You all think the budget is ok and once the meds have kicked in hopefully so shall I we have done well this month working to the budget and its been ok.
You all know my fears on BR whether I am over fearing that I am not sure. I just want what is right for the children thats is it fullstop.

In your guys opinion then do I chase the IVA or is there a bigger issue that I need to discuss with the wife

[luluj]

Continue in your discussions with Mel's team for the IVA. They would not be suggesting this route if they felt inappropriate to your circumstances.

You have said yourself living on the budget has gone well this month ... it won't be forever, but you can make it happen by keeping a positive mental attitude and sharing your wife's driver and determiantion to make this work. Your kids will not suffer ...they too will learn to live a different lifestyle and believe me they will appreciate it in later lives.

Stop beating your self up over it all ..you are where you are ..there is a way out of it with the IVA proposal and that should be your focus. As others have said repeating the same thoughts time and time is not going to help...let go, focus on those beautiful children and your wife and think about what you can do as a person to make their lives better - they will not want to see or hear you going through this trauma ...show them what you are made off !

[josu]

Yes sorry, Ox knew what i meant. I honestly believe that the IVA is the way to go. Mel obviously does otherwise she wouldnt have suggested it. I am finding it hard to believe that you are wasting so much time on this forum and not getting your IVA proposal put together. I think i had mine done within about 2 days!Everyone on here thinks your budger is managable Ox, we have all said it. Only you know if even with the unsecured debt taken care of, you will be happy. We can not answer this for you.

[Ox1987]

Had a reasonable night and got alot done for the proposal.
But woke this morning again with feeling of dread and doom
Less about surviving on the.budget but now more about the IVA getting accepted again
If it doesnt I appreciate I could do a long term DMP but fear yhat would be too long and creditors would get nasty as I have heard some of mine do.
This again would leave us one other option BR and I am so scared of that option and the impact of that one on my children. We would not survive it I think and could end up homeless amd jobless
I know I.am repeating myself but why does it get like this most mornings i hate the pain and want out
I know its the depression probably talking but I am having so may ups and downs and worries about repossesion etc I feel like our lives are over. Am I being stupid am I going to lose everything over a relatively small debt. Black cloud is terrible. It has made me think awful things like harming myself or even worse

I agree with Josu it does not seem right to go BR with my wage and low debt but worried that it will happen if we dont do an iva
I often wonder whether a family like mine have gone through this and worse and survived. If I knew we could be ok I would go work in tescos stacking shelves and rebuild from there I see you all relatively happy in your IVAs saving your familiew I want that toi jut feel I wont get a chance to try

[josu]

If your F&F IVA does not get accepted you will get a normal IVA, but you wont get either if you dont get on with it!

[Foggy]

"Am I being stupid " YES ... but the depression is doing the talking. FIGHT IT.

"am I going to lose everything over a relatively small debt" NO ... unless you don't stop all this vacillating.

[IVANotOverYet]

font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica">quote:<hr height="1" noshade>I often wonder whether a family like mine have gone through this and worse and survived.

Shane Ritchie
Bill Roache
Adam Faith
George Best
Jonathan Aitken
Neil Hamilton
Richard Blackwood
Sir Alan Sugar
Sir Richard Branson
Michael Heseltine
Jeffrey Archer
Keith Floyd
Simon Cowell
Brian Harvey
Lester Piggott
Ken Dodd
Alex Higgins

All of the above have been bankrupt and survived. At least some of them have families. They're all doing OK.

I've not replied to this thread before now as although I recognise that you're depressed, and I have been there with more than double your debt level and less than half your income, I think my own particular brand of tough love might come across as harsh.

I went through all the black stuff, depression, worry, panic, anxiety, fear, etc. In a trusted and professional position who could I talk to about it? No-one. I was alone with my fears just as you are and it brought me on several occasions to the brink of who-knows-what.

Ultimately what got me through it was just pulling myself together and getting on with it. Getting that proposal done, waiting to see what happens.

Your debts are paltry. Your income is good. Stop worrying about mortgage shortfalls leading to bankruptcy; if you absolutely *had* to sell your house at a loss it wouldn't lead by default to a bankruptcy, not all repossession or forced sale 'victims' end up bankrupt and on the streets.

Worst comes to the worst, your IVA gets rejected and you have to use your 10K to pay for a long term rental, sell the house at a loss, come to an informal arrangement with your mortgage company and creditors for a few months while you settle your family into a new smaller home, junk the Beemer or whatever you're driving on lease and buy a diesel Fiesta to run around in. You save a few quid from your now-defunct mortgage payments, build up a bit of a slush fund then propose a new IVA using your now much-greater disposable income. No BR, no kids in care, no homelessness needed.

[Ox1987]

I am assuming that even with BR the kids in care and homelessness would not necssariky be the case anyway surely it would not get that bad I thought that was my dark mind
I am so in a dark place and dont know where to turn I am doing well at work and dont want to have to tell them soon that I have to leave

[Shining]

Are you at work at the minute Ox? do they not mind you posting when at work or using your mobile phone?

[Ox1987]

Was on a break I can use phone I am just not in a good place the last couple of days feel I am going to lose kids and everything feel very sick and sucidal at the moment that may be the higher dosage having an side effect
BtW just posted a load of stuff to sort the IVA
IvAN my shortfall could be as much as 40K if not more plus this 40k and the car we would be close to 100k surely too much for a iva never mind the disposable income

Plus all those stars have back up plans look at martine mc getting hair done day after BR court

[IVANotOverYet]

font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica">quote:<hr height="1" noshade>
IvAN my shortfall could be as much as 40K if not more plus this 40k and the car we would be close to 100k surely too much for a iva never mind the disposable income

Plus all those stars have back up plans look at martine mc getting hair done day after BR court

I owed nearly 70K on less than half your earnings as I've already said.

If you read the posts, we are all telling you the same thing.

How do you know the people listed above had backup plans? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. I could go bankrupt today and have my hair cut tomorrow, doesn't mean I'm not penniless, just that I have my priorities mixed up.

You already have a plan. Get the IVA proposed, relax, and wait.

Finally, lay off the beers. Alcohol doesn't mix well with SSRIs and will effectively supress their effect; alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.

If you want to sleep better and feel better, do something positive - exercise, eat well, and start communicating with your wife, friends, family, whoever.

[josu]

Depressive irrational parents can lead to children in care, not debt!!!!! Your children have two parents remember, even if you got into such a depressed state that you could no longer care for your children your wife would find a way as i am assuming she does not suffer from depression? Not sure why you feel that anything that you do personally could result in your children being in care when they have a mother and as a mother myself i feel for sure that she would never let them go into care. Children have been brought up by single parents before you know!!! Please note i am talking about depression leading to you not being able to look after your kids, in no circumstances what so ever could anything money related lead your children into care. Neither am i saying that this will happen i am simply saying depression could lead to this whereas debt alone could not!!!!