Almost there with plucking up the courage

[mike.s]

Ohhh Lily you do so make me feel so much better every time we talk, you talk honestly and to the point, with care and such depth of feeling, I can so feel your life experiences. I feel I can tell you, but it's just between me and you mind cause no-one else is listening right, Jane and I have fallen out tonight, so tried to be normal with the kids, big hug at bedtime, but I know I am no longer keeping this under wraps and in control anymore, it must be so obvious to them that something is clearly wrong. For my son's 14th birthday in August I got him a mobile phone, monthly through the current account, I got it because at the end of the year you claim it back and it costs you nothing. Great if you still have a current account at the end of the year and can make the payments to pay it back. Trying to talk normally to him tonight, how has your day been, what have you been doing at school, looking at him through tired bleary eyes, thinking how the hell am I going to tell him he wont have the phone next month. I know that sounds so silly, thinking of keeping a mobile phone when I owe £46,000, but I would rather find another job and work 24/7 than tell him he can't have his phone, something he wanted for so long, never asked for, but I so wanted him to have. Jeez I know this sounds stupid, after everything I have said and beleive in about the best things in life costing nothing, but sometimes you want to be able to give your kids something, that you know you can't really afford. He loves it and always uses it, dad look at this new photo of me doing a new trick on skateboard Sam took on my phone today. Sorry to go on it's not really about the phone, it's about what I know is about to happen I guess and what I'm about to face, although I'm not sure what that is. Anyway I'm going on now, sorry guys. Thanks for listening, speak again soon.
Cheers
Mike

[scaredkez]

mike believe me your son will understand so much more than you think, i was totally honest with my 14 yr old and if anything it has made us stronger, he now says to the little ones when they ask for things, he knows we really can't afford anymore, stop asking you don't need it you just want it, he has been my rock over the last 12 months and i am sure your son will be too.
kerri

Please view my blog at: http://scaredkez.blogs.iva.co.uk/

[mike.s]

Thanks Kerri,
I think I kinda know that br is going to be the only option. Jane and I are both willing to work every hour god sends, but where will that get us I know. I guess thats what we've fallen out over, I just think work, work, work, if they want more hours we'll give them more hours, but Jane, I think knows that's not really going to get us anywhere in the long run, except no life and an early grave. I just don't want to come this far, have a buyer for the house, lose our family home, throw the £35,000 at the cards and still get nowhere. I know the answer I was looking for was yes Mr Summers that will do nicely, your now free to walk away scott free. It's not going to be like that I know and I do know that Tina is talking complete sense, I just don't want to hear that (I don't want to use the word fail) your not earning enough, after all these years and such hard work, I'm not earning enough to pay an iva let alone support my family, great! that makes me feel wonderful! Arghh, sorry guys, trying to stay positive, thanks for being there.
Cheers
Mike.

[mike.s]

Thanks again Kerri,
I do know so much in my heart that my kids would understand if I told them and I know they would be so supportive, they are lovely, bright, caring kids and I love them so much. I think the fact I love them so much is the reason I don't think I can tell them right now, or maybe it's me I don't know. I really do beleive they would understand and be supportive, I think I just don't want to admit failure in my own heart. I don't want to admit my own failure to myself, although I think I've already done that and boy it hurts. Maybe the problem is admitting things to myself and not the kids, also how can I tell my parents, boy maybe that's a whole new subject! I'm 42 and still have nothing, boy what happened to all those plans and dreams? Thanks for listening
Cheers Kerri
Mike

[Lisa2009]

mike try to keep your chin up, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I really felt for you after you had got so positive then i read tonight and you were right back down again.
Keep plodding on till you find ANY solution. As long as you stay together as a family thats all that matters. You are by no means a failure. Its taken guts and strength to admit your problems to yourself and i think thats the biggest hurdle by far.
I hope to see you sounding more positive tomorrow and remember we are all here for you.
Take care

mrs skint

[lily]

Mike

I do understand, I wouldnt want to take the phone off him either, I wouldnt, I think I would find a way for him to keep it or go with another company or buy it from a comp ex shop or ebay or something. I would find a way for him to keep it, even if it went down as a bit more debt with the bank. I am not saying this is the right thing to do, I am saying its what I would do, I would rather someone take my toenails off without the local anaesthestic before anyone would take my daughters phone from her. I am not quite sure with the terms but I am skinty poos with a credit rating that would proably blow up any computer that tried to do a credit check. I have two contract mobiles which I always pay one for me and one for my daugher. These contracts were taken out before the proverbial hit the fan but I renew them without any problems. (how about getting yourself down to a mobile phone contract shop before the credit rating fat lady sings?) I hope noone heard that either.

Youre not a failure, youre a human being and God didnt make us perfect, we make mistakes, big ones like debt. Imagine your son coming home one day and being a little bit off, moody, stressed. He has a problem but he wants to spare your feelings, which kids will do. Would you want him to tell you???? Would you worry about what it is that is wrong?? He will know something is wrong, mine did. I was in exactly the same situation, my kids would laugh and talk to me and I would be thinking, what the hell will tomorrow bring?? I didnt know where I would find the money to feed them next weekend, I would go without to feed them, I told noone but they knew. I wanted to spare them the truth but wondering was so much worse for them. I told them they were fantastic, they wanted a happy mom and that was the most important thing. Thats when the huge weight lifted. I told my mom, sister and brother they were brilliant too.

Youre only a failure if you fall down and dont bother to get up, youre facing your problems. You need each other more than anything now. It really doesnt feel like it but you are moving forward.I have worked hard all my life, in material tems I have nothing, I dont even have carpet on my stairs but I am not a failure, I have/am raising four kids, they are polite, sensitve caring and try really hard to achieve the most basic of things in life. We had to move last year, it was scary, but we stuck together and are a very happy family.

Mike, your not a failure, everyone here has fallen into the debt hole after falling out of the debt tree and hitting every branch on the way down, it does hurt but you can heal. You dont have to tell anyone if you dont want to. Now go and find a mirror tell it tha youre not a failure or I will personally ask Jane to give you severly smacked legs. I am going to beetle off now and feed some babies, good night.


lily

[mike.s]

Hi Lily,
Lily I do so luv you,
My son always comes home off, moody and stressed, and I always ask him 'what's wrong' can anyone guess what he says.... yep 'nothing' ask my son and daughter what have you done at school today and the answer is.... all togther now.... 'nothing' Lol. So basically you have gone to school and just sat there all day? 'yep' done nothing all day 'yep' not much point in you going tomorrow then 'nope' cause you already know everything 'yep' Lol. You are so right, I would so much want my son to tell me if anything was wrong, why? because I love him and would want to do everything I can to help and make it right. I know my son and daughter would want to do the same for me, but I still can't yet get past the point of I'm the parent it's my problem I need to sort it, I still don't want to burden them with it, i feel I should shoulder it all right now and let them worry about, which bearings suit which skateboard wheels, and not missing the next episode of High School Musical (come on guys does anyone else think it's poop, my daughter and wife love it) But Lily I do so much know where your coming from, you are a very special person and I thank you for making me feel happy again. I hope we will speak again soon.
very best wishes to you and your family
Mike

[mike.s]

Hey mrs Skint,
(cool new debit card thingy by the way) so very much trying to hang in there, feeling much better thanks to you guys! My family is so important to me, going through this is just so very hard, my kids are talking to me and the next thing I hear is' dad are you listening' course I am sweetheart, but really thinking about how the hell am I going to get us back to normal? But it's got to get better, right?
Anyway lets hassle MikeB at Leybridge some more that always makes me happy.
So Mike what do you mean no more pics? that's not fair, us guys haven't seen the Leybridge Ladies yet.
Yes I know we have seen Jamie in a dress, and some other guy in a dress doing something weird with one of his hands, but we need more. By the way why is only Jamie and one other guy in a dress? was it some cruel joke, yep Jamie we are all going to wear dresses, honest! Or Does Jamie always wear a dress on a night out? hhmmmm, I think we need an explaination and more pics of the stag night, or come on admit it is this just a normal day in the office!
Cheers
Mike

[Soulgrowth]

I agree Mike.S ... all I could see yesterday was a white box with a red cross in it!

I hope your day is better today, keep us posted. Mobile phones are not a necessity ... love and care for one's children is ... and you are certainly doing that.

And, as for teenagers, having brought up four of them myself, Harry Enfield got it right with his "Kevin" and "Perry" characters!

Debbie

www.babynamings.co.uk

www.soulgrowth.co.uk

[mikebdomain]

Hi Mike Sorry you didn't hear what you wanted to hear when you visited Tina, but at least you have a clearer picture of your situation. Jamie is (I think) phoning you today.

I am not going to post anymore pics. Regarding the dress; we do have a strict dress code in the office - but that's not it [:D]

Keep your chin up Mike and best of luck

FREE ADVICE IS THE BEST ADVICE

LEYBRIDGE LIMITED
Mortgage Broker
Specialising in adverse credit.

see feedback and testimonials at:
http://www.leybridge.com/testimonial.php
Check out my blog at:
http://mikebdomain.blogs.iva.co.uk/
Please read our Initial Disclosure Document(IDD):
http://www.leybridge.com/Leybridge-IDD.pdf

[Sadsack]

Hi Mike - I am sorry things did not go the way you expected, but there are other ways of sorting things through.

First and foremost, you have your family and that is the most important thing in the world. No-one can ever take that from you.

I entered into an IVA in September '06 with a massive amount of debt. Unfortunately, as things turned out the IVA payments were "unreasonable" (I managed for the first year), but knew there was no way I could cope for another 4 years. So my best option was to petition for my own BR and I did this on 1 October. I am not going to say that I copped out, because I really did try and avoid it as I wanted to pay my debt back, but I knew in my heart that it was the only route I could take.

I live on my own, have a mortgage and a second charge on the property, but cannot keep up with the payments on this, which means I am going to lose my home. I am going to have to find rented accommodation, estate or letting agents will want 6 months deposit up front, private landlords will normally ask for just 1 month in advance. So by not paying the mortgage (which is not ideal) I will probably be able to save for the necessary deposits.

In a round about and very strange manner, I am actually looking forward to this move as it really will give me the opportunity to "start again" with a clean slate and not have the pressures and worries of making ends meet every month. There is one thing that remains with me in my thoughts and that is I did not admit defeat. Yes, I have lost everything but it is merely "worldly goods" and I still have the love of my partner which is more important to me than bricks and mortar.

From reading your posts, I see a similar trait in you - an inner strength that keeps you going and that is what you need to hold on to.

My partner keeps telling me when I am down - "Don't sweat the small stuff Sue, for tomorrow isn't promised to anyone".

Keep your chin up Mike and keeping hugging your family - there is a solution out there for you.

Sue

Ho Hum! Think I'll bang my drum!

Read My Blog
http://sadsack.blogs.iva.co.uk/

[lily]

Oh sue

What a lovely post and so true, I have been around here long enough to see you go through all of this and the struggles you have had with your IVA and IP etc. Tomorrow isnt promised to anyone brings my mother to mind.

Mike I was going for IVA which meant I would have to increase my hours, it meant an almost impossible skedule for myself and my kids, but I was desperate to make it work. I realised very soon that I couldnt do it and was all set to go BR in January. I started to feel better about everything although I was terrified of the court etc. I came clean with the kids and my family, almost immediatley my mom offered me the money to pay the debts but I couldnt take it, my debt, my problem and in the end with no assets even my mom agreed that BR was best, she felt for me and offered to come with me for support at the courts, she said have christmas first and then we will go through it together. I was really looking forward to christmas as I spent what I had, bought games and small things for them, no plastic or overdraft but it felt great, mom was all prepared and packed to go to my sister's, we always have a jolly family time. My sisters had put together for a fridge freezer to go in moms new kitchen, we told her to stay in as her 'present' was being delievered, santa was coming early, she said. Well she never saw the present, the men couldnt get in, they rang us. She had died the evening before, we were out with her the day before for a christmas meal, I left early due to bad weather. There was no sign that she was going to die. There was no tomorrow, no christmas, nothing, she was gone.


This last year has been the hardest of my life, from despair and shame to total grief, utter lonliness followed by acceptance. Its also been the best lesson and has taught me without doubt what the important things in life are.

Stay sane Mike, its hard but possible and you will be happy again.

lily

[mike.s]

Ohh Lily how sad. You are so right about the important things in life, we all tend to forget this at times. I hope I'm not saying the wrong thing here but I'm sure your mum would want you to use the money though and enjoy it, she would want you to be happy. I know money itself doesn't bring happiness and nothing will bring you mum back but you have many many special memories that will always be with you. Think of all the happy times you spent together, I'm sure she would want you to look back at the happy times and be happy now, not be sad. Your mum knew what you were going through and I know she would so want you to be happy right now. I know that if anything happened to me I would want my children to move forward in life and enjoy it, it is so very short, we have to make the most of it. I'm sure your mum would not want you to hate the money, and sure she would want you to use it and enjoy it with your family, not feel bad or guilty about using it. I think I know what you mean though, how could you possibly use the money, or indeed enjoy, but I know if it was me I would want my children to use it to the full and fully enjoy every bit of it. I'm sure your mum would also want your children to enjoy the money, not feel guilty about spending it. I'm sure she is looking down with a huge smile watching your son having fun on his new x-box. I hope it's ok to say that. I do know how sad it is to lose someone. I still have both parents, but Jane has lost hers in a very sad way. About 13 years ago there was a big family fall out, very silly as they always tend to be. Jane's dad was not always the nicest person, and often spoke to Jane like dirt. Anyway this one day we were at his flat and I'd had enough, I asked him to stop talking to Jane like that, and he flipped, told us to get out and not come back. Despite numerous attempts (mostly on my part because Jane was too nervous) to get everyone back together we actually never went to his flat again, and he never came to our house again (we always saw him a couple of times a week and we spent Christmas and Birthdays together. Time went on, got wrapped up in day to day things and before you know it the years had gone. Anyway a few years ago out of the blue, Jane's mum got in touch and asked to see her, Jane excited and nervous went round and after words and tears things seemed to be moving forward. We were due to take the children round the following weekend, but a few days later we got a call saying Jane needed to get to the hospital quickly. Jane's mum died b4 she got there, she died never getting to meet our daughter. At the funeral we tried to make things up with her dad and get the family back together. He didn't want to know, we were blamed for the rift and everything else, even though we tried many times. Jane was heartbroken, just couldn't believe it. Just b4 last Christmas Jane's brother came to our house, Jane was not there, he was not very nice, said Jane needed to contact him that day. She did and was coldly told 'your dad is dead' (this was her brother saying this) he had cancer and had been in hospital for a while. Nobody contacted us to say he was ill, it was days after he died that we were contacted. We were only told because someone had said that Jane should know and be given the chance to go to the funeral. She was devastated, hadn't seen her parents for years, lived with it all, blamed for it all, it was horrible to see her go through such a terrible thing. It is bad enough to lose someone but to have all of the guilt and every other emotion in the book on her shoulders was unbearable for her, and unbearable to see her go through. I don't think she has fully recovered from it or ever will. The only good thing to come out of it all is that she is now re-building her family life with her brother, I think they are finally realising that Jane had not done anything wrong. Strangest thing is it turned out that since Jane last saw him he had become a qualified driving instructor, and he is now helping her through the course. Anyway I guess I'm trying to say life is so short, enjoy every minute of it, regardless of what you may be going through. Time and family are a very precious thing, we need to make the most of it and enjoy the special times while we have them. I know Lily, it is hard, but your mum would want you to be happy and use the money, enjoy it with your family and look back at those special memories and be happy. I know you and your children would of course give every penny of the money and alot more, for you to see your mum again and them to see there nan again. But I'm sure your children, and your mum, want to see you happy again. I hope it's ok to say this, Lily be happy I know your mum would want you to be.
Speak again soon
Mike x

[lily]

Hi Mike

I wasnt trying to devalue your feelings about your debt, I only told you cos it happened to me and it made me think about things. The debt brought me to my knees before I lost mom.

I have accepted it all

So sounds like you have had a bad time and poor Jane, its so sad when this happens in families, I cant say that I understand how she must feel as I cant, I havent been there. I hope she has come to some peace in her own mind.

Well I hope you find your way forward very soon, your family is obviously very important to you two. I remember my mom smiling through everything, its only now that I realise she must have struggled

Take care, and thanks for your words.

lily

[mike.s]

Lily it sounds like you had a wonderful childhood and a lovely mum and dad, you must have some very happy memories.

I had some great news today, spoke with Tina on Melanie's team for quite a while and went through everything and I mean everything, but I didn't feel embarressed or ashamed one bit (ok a bit) but Tina made me feel relaxed and human again. It looks like there was a bit of confusion about my income (on my part) and it seems we are not a million miles away from being able to do an f/f after all. Got loads sorted today and took a massive step forward, such a change in just a matter of days, thanks everyone. I know there is still along way to go but at least it is moving in a very real and positive way with a good chance of being sorted out. Although I do feel very strange at the moment, the things I've had to do today and will have to do soon, are now very real and happening, no more burying my head, but it does feel so very daunting at the moment and more by the hour as it really sinks in, really scary. Wolves are at the door and I've nothing to throw them this month, that has to stop now. Feeling very weird right now, happy, scared, unsure etc etc.
P.S thanks Sue, it sound like you have a great partner and a wonderful relationship, which you are right means more than anything. Hope everything goes well for you, sometimes it's all so very hard to keep going, but there is an inner strenghth that keeps us going, and most important of all a loving family and partner for support when we need it.
Thanks guys, speak again soon
Cheers Mike.
P.P.S. Am I posting right? I just keep adding a message at the bottom of the page and submit. Is that right?