Blonde moments.

[Andy1964]

We've all had conversations with them, men and women.


A friend told the blonde; "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Two blondes find three grenades , and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair , and I've just wet mine."


A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says,"I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


A blonde spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor
"No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"


A blonde was driving home drunk as a skunk
Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road
The Cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"


A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks
"Here boy!" she replies.


A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks into his cell and sees him hanging by his feet
"What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard
"I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe"


(now this one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde; "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat"

[:D]

[footiemad]

Brilliant x

[Pandy]

Made me giggle, [:D][:D]

I think I work with most of those people[:I]

[Pennyless]

Made me chuckle!

[KM1512]

Thanks for making me smile

[Foggy]

And another ....

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50.




"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Shining]

[:D][:D]

[Andy1964]

.....they even get employment!



A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'



BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)[:0]

[Andy1964]

Two blondes are talking,
Blonde number 1 says "Have you seen the news? three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!"
Blonde number 2 says "That's awful, can't believe they all had the same name"

[Foggy]

Degrees Of Blondeness

1st DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

2nd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

3rd DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

4th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

5th DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

[Shining]

[:D][:D]
again!

[suky424]

this is my fav thread ... Always makes me laugh.

[Andy1964]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the barman, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our barman IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."