Coping when your parent has cancer

[lizwalker]

Hi All

A bit depressing but wondered if anyone else has been in the situation I am in now?

My mum was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in late October (she went for a routine mammogram and something showed up, turned out to be a non estrogen lump the size of a grain of rice!! Amazing technology these days!)

I know chemo is not nice but I have never been around someone who has had it and do not know what to expect!

I also live 300 miles away from my parents and if I could I would move back and care for her but with the IVA payments to make etc there is just no way around it!

Petrol costs £100 each time I go back anyway so I am just at my wits ends!

Part of me is thinking that you only have 1 mum and I should be there for her but I have come so far in my IVA i dont want to mess it all up!

Any ideas? What would you do in my situation?

My boyf has just started a new job after being out of work for 9 months so its not as if we can just move down there as he owns our house etc

Sorry for the long winded post, I am just being selfish as I do not want to see my mum become ill and dependant as she is such a strong woman!

[kazzafunk]

Hi Liz - sorry to hear about your Mum.

What sort of job do you do? Is there no way it can be done remotely? If not, do you have leave so you could take a long weekend every few weeks to travel?

Can you travel by public transport at all? Bus or train deals are all over the internet so you may be able to travel cheaper?

If you need to take unpaid leave to help out, then you could ask for reduced payments or a payment break to help you out.

Is it just you in an IVA Liz? If so, is there anyone around who could lend you enough to make a full and final offer? It might be that creditors would look sympathetically at a reduced offer if you will be needing every penny for fuel to be able to go home more regularly.

[lizwalker]

Hi Kazza

I work in Oil & Gas recuitment. I do all the Employee relations for a lot of guys out on rigs. Most of them are in Nigeria at the moment and I have to be on call 24hrs a day! I have to organise Armed security for them travelling about, visas, flights, wages. Basically everything! Bosses are old school and not very sympathetic! I tested the water with them the other week and they said "but your brothers will be able to help wont they?"

Yes they will but I am her daughter and want to be there!

Just me in the IVA, agreement me and boyf have is that he pays the bills and mortgage and I pay for food, going out etc. Our mortgage is very low so works out equal, that way we are not transferring money left right and centre.

To get cheap trains from Preston back to Essex I have to book at least 12 weeks in advance to make it cheap. She starts Chemo next week! Plus if I am back dad will be at work so I would need the car just incase she needs to get anywhere or pop to shops!

GGGRRRR Nightmare! Happy new year to you all!

x

[lem]

Hi Liz

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, my mum was diganosed with breast cancer 6 wks after my son was born in 2003, she had to have chemo first then a mastectomy then radiotherapy. to be honest, once we all got over the initial shock and treatment started she coped very well, she wasn't ill with the chemo at all (and hers involved a 24hr infusion she had to wear all the time at home, not just going in for a 2hr drip once a wk), I was amazed as I expected her to be very poorly, sick and unable to do much but she just carried on as normal, and to look at her you wouldn't have known she was ill apart from the fact she lost her hair.

I think a lot depends on the type of character you are, my mum was very emotionally strong and would not let anything stop her going about her day to day business. unfortunately for my mum, her cancer was never cured and we lost her in 2008, as time went by, successive chemo eventually took its toll on her and the last lot she had about a year before she died really knocked her for six, but it was literally only a few weeks before she died that she didn't have the strength to really get out of bed or do a lot anymore, she was just exhausted and ravaged by that point.

So I would say, the biggest support you can be at the moment would be from an emotional point of view, you may find that your mum copes very well with her treatment and doesn't need 'looking after' at this point, dealing with a cancer diagnosis is extremely stressful for you all and you will probably find that your mum wants everyone to just carry on as normal, modern treatments aren't as debilitating as they used to be and you may just be surprised how well she does.

I wish you all the very best

[kallis3]

I am so sorry to hear about your mum Liz and hope she makes a full recovery.

I know my bosses would be sympathetic as they have been in the past when I had hubby and my dad in two different hospitals about 20 miles apart at the same time!!!! It's bad that yours aren't helping you out.

Could you ask for a payment break at all?

[lem]

My boss at the time was totally unsympathetic, I didn't take any time off until a week before my mum died and I had 8 wks off afterwards, the week I got back to work I was put on 'performance management' as my work wasn't up to scratch, was there any wonder!, some employers really just aren't interested at all to be frank, you have to do what is right for you at the end of the day.

[lizwalker]

Lem, I am so sorry to hear of your loss!

When mum called me to say they had found something I cried my eyes out as I knew the call would come one day as all family members on her side have died of it! I was a bit too young to understand when my nan was going through it but was by her side when she passed away! I was 18 and it haunted me for years after!

With my mum she was meant to have gone in Sept for her routine scan but changed it to oct. They said it was sooo small that they prob wouldnt have found it in Sept and by her appt next year it would have been a lot worse as it was a fast growing cancer! I am hoping that luck is on our side!

I keep beating myself up tho as I seem to be putting the IVA before my Mum at the moment!

I dont have anyone to help me out with a F&F at the moment and as of June my payments will double for the last 18 months (HP on car will finish and that money to be inc) I have about £8,200 left to pay via instalments as per agreement.


Money is def the route to all evil!

[lem]

Oh Liz, I can so identify with how you are feeling at the moment, for us it was a hell of a shock as noone in our family has ever been diagnosed with cancer before, mum was the first, I remember when she told me she had found a lump I told her to get it checked out but it would be nothing as there was nothing like that in our family, how wrong I was!

My mum had a recall from a mammogram the year before because they found something and we were really worried but when they checked again they said it was scar tissue and nothing to worry about, we since found out that when she was diagnosed a year later, the tumour was so big it practically filled her breast and it would have been there at the mammogram and they missed it, I'm still angry about that but it's far too late now. My mum's was a fast growing cancer too and the problem with hers was it wasn't a confined tumour as such, it was all on her skin surface so there wasn't a lump as such that they could remove, it never did spread anywhere else though, they always managed to contain it.

With me, my mum's illness made me go a bit mad with spending, we were already in debt trying to pay it off but when I realised her life was being cut short and although her and my dad had spent their entire lives saving for retirement (which she never got to) I seemed to think 'to hell with it, I'm going to enjoy my life you never know what is round the corner' and just spent more and more to make myself feel better, this led to our financial downfall in the end I think.

Please please don't ever beat yourself up about how you feel, your emotions will be all over the place, it's perfectly normal,

[lizwalker]

Have managed to find a route on trains which will cost me £41 return!

Blackpool to Chelmsford £17.50 single
Chelmsford to Manchester £16.00 Single
Manchester to Blackpool £7.50 Single

My nan has broken her wrist (she is nearly 90 and still driving!!) so I can have her car whilst I am back!

She starts Chemo on 12th Jan and has said that she will see how ill she is on it! She is having 1 session every 3 weeks which according to my pharmacy friend she will be ill, but will have 3 weeks to get over each session so not as bad as some treatment!!

I will go back for a week at the end of Jan when its her birthday and assess how she is etc.

I really dont think it is wise for me to rush into any decision just yet as it is all based on "what ifs"

Will just use a weeks annual leave this time round.

I will still be working tho but hey thats the job I have!

[kazzafunk]

That's good then Liz - although not good your nan has broken her wrist!

I would see how things go - as Lem says people react differently to treatment. If she's anything like me I hate people around when I am ill and would prefer them to be around when I am better. So it could be you could go down the weekend before and make sure she has a stock of magazines, books or whatever she likes ready and maybe do some bulk cooking with her so you know she will be ok.

I am a great believer in fate and how lucky that her appointment was changed! Hopefully all will be fine, but remember, if you do need to take unpaid leave then you can ask for a payment breack. Getting so far into the IVA gives you a better chance of creditors being sympathetic.

And if you do have to take a break from work, with laptops and mobile phones, you would probably be able to do some of your work at a distance and by offering to do this rather than nothing would probably be better. Sounds like a very interesting job!