I want to enjoy my children this weekend and will try but finding it hard. Any advice ?

[Ox1987]

Same dream same nightmare not got much sleep

Cant seem to function all want to do is lie in bed, which is annoying the wife

The issue is that our SOA leaves us with only 50 pound disposable at the moment but we do have a 10k cheque from a relative our debts are around 37k I had to take a big drop in salary to get work but I may increase in the future if I can get a full time job

So all our eggs are really in one basket the F&F otherwise I fear nightmare may come true I fear that bankruptcy would equal job loss house loss possible prison and the children having to go into care though I am not sure that the IVA may result in some of this anyway
I know I may be over thinking that but that is why I am super stressed about it all

Also with the SOA so tight any increases in cost would mean having to cut elsewhere or go bust anyway also what will be the true impact on my accounting job as I would like to increase again

Does anyone still read this and think we can survive ok I have my doubts and hence the constant stress and concern especially for the children

[josu]

Oh dear Ox, you are going off to that bad place again!!! Right first things first, why would BR result in prison unless you have done something bad and illegal you are not going to go to prison. Secondly, if you did go to prison, say you went mad and robbed a bank, your children would not go into care, you would go to prison and unless your wife was your get away driver she would have the children. No amount of debts is going to land your children in care you need to get this into your head. Unless there was sufficient evidence that you were unfit parents and your children are suffereing they are not going to end up in care. This does not mean being skint. My mum was brought up very very poor (my grandma didnt wear shoes if she couldnt afford them) but my mum was brought up well, well mannered and well cared for. You are getting too caught up in money. So many people have less than you Ox.

Finally, if your F&F does not get accepted you can do a normal IVA. You have checked woth work, you know you can keep your house, When Melanie works it all out you will have just as much to live on as the rest of us so why do you think you cant do it but the rest of us do? You see posts of people finishing their IVAs all the time. Why could they do it but you cant possibly? Also, as i have said a few times if your F&F gets turned down do not accept the £10k from whoever it is thats giving it to you, pay contributions for a year and then go for an F&F at that stage, i bet you it would be accepted, expecially if worse case was that you had lost your job. Thats 10k plus a years conributions to the creditors.

To be blunt here Ox, its your negativity thats going to spoil their childhoods not lack of funds!!!!

[Ox1987]

But as I have stated above the SOA I did with them there was not enough for a normal IVA in their opinion unless I suppose I cut back some allowances
I have not done anything wrong but worry about the homeless factor and that if I could not pay Council Tax etc as have no job then I would go to prison and also if we were homeless then I would lose the children

I am not there I want the IVA to work but just explaining my nightmares and what is driving my feelings at the moment and making it hard to do anything at home and help round the house and also enjoy the sunny weekend with the kids

I also dont know I can keep the house with the IVA there is a risk and will they still let me fix the rate for 5 years as I have a form to sign

Help....to much doubt and uncertainty or do I have to face the fact that we could have to go BR if this does not work I am going crazy and thinking odd things I know I am being too negative but its hard

[luluj]

Ox - you really need to be talking this through with your IP and there team - we can only provide you with so much reassurance as others have already done.

The time between now and the agreement of your F&F is going to be a difficult time...it is for all of us...your circumstances are not unique and Mel and her team will have worked with similar in the past. Listen to what advice they are giving and do not keep thinking the worst. There is always a solution to be had - you just need to have some patience and trust in the system.

Forum members have offered you a huge amount of support and advice - listen to what is being said to you and enjoy this weekend in the sunshine (after all this could be all the summer we get this year!!!) - get out of bed, make your wife a coffee and play in the garden with the kids, go for a walk and take a picnic - take the kite with you and fly it in the breeze - all of this is free activity and will bring you closer as a family - the rate you are going you run the risk of causing difficulties with your wife - imagine how she is feeling too - but for the sake of the children - have faith of the experts and let them work for you...and enjoy those kids x

[Ox1987]

Thanks Luluj, I am just struggling with the mental side of it and having panic attacks all the time. I do feel comfort from all your words

The fear of the impact of the kids I love them dearly and am punishing myself for getting them into this position.

As i have mentioned I have my sons birthday this week and also his first holy communion the week after and that is really important, but I cannot focus on it at all, I have a burning sensation all over my body all the time and heavy sweats break out. I think I need to increase my meds when they are reviewed. Work is also getting harder to concentrate on as I am panicking all the time

I think there are elements that I struggle to believe, like it won't affect my career etc but as you say I am not unique and there has to be a solution.
I always seem to think the worst is going to happen and then we will end up on the streets with 3 kids or no kids, but I know that is my imagination running wild and at the end of the day we are the same decent people with or without money and we are good parents with 3 lovely kids that need us.

[lem]

I'm sorry (and I'm probably going to get flamed for this) but I remember Ox from a few weeks ago on here and another forum and we were going round in circles then, I've not been on the forum for a couple of weeks but have just noticed this thread and am a bit astonished that he is back with much of the same. Ox doesn't seem to have taken any of the advice offered then, or now (although I admit I can't bear to read through this entire thread again) on board.

Ox if you put as much energy into sorting your debt solution out as you do to posting about it, you would probably be on the way to some peace of mind by now

[ginger323232]

I agree Lem - think its time for OX to see his GP again - perhaps Ox needs some professional input

[Ox1987]

Ok a bit harsh Lem

I have taken it all on board and I am dealing with the debt and things are in process I am just seeking advice on dealing with the mental sideof it and as I have no one to talk to I have been using the board and everyone has been wonderful to help and advise. I am not on every forum going round in circles just here getting help from fellow posters on how I have been feeling

[Foggy]

Compartmentalise, Ox. I know I keep harping on about my particular situation to you, Ox but I am trying to show you that there are many of us in worse straights than you are, yet we keep going.

Yes, I, and many others lie awake sometimes wondering why, what if and when. Then, we get up, dust ourselves down and look after the family.

My budget in an IVA was stretched to the limit and now made a thousand time worse by becoming a single parent --- but, none of this filters down to the young 'un. He is happy and loved and in his own little, IVA and worry free compartment.

If the worse come to the worse, there is no debtors prison anymore. I have discovered some benefits will take up some of the shortfall --- you and I ( and all of us) have paid towards these all of our working lives so I am getting some back. As said above, there is always an answer and the consequences are always less dire than those in a run away imagination.

We are off down the park this morning -- the sun is out and we have a frisbee to play with ( and probably lose!). To be blunt ... sod the IVA, sod the world, and enjoy

[abbiesmum2003]

I agree with josu...its not the iva thats going to fail or mess up the kids lives Ox its your mentality about it all. They are only small for a short time and you are missing out. It takes a huge amount of strength to keep a busy family and marriage going and it will sll fall apart if you arent holdibg it together in partnership with your wife. You have a fab IP and we have gone over and over about losibg kids/BR but its still not sinking in. Yes you are gonna have to pull back on expenditure but over indulging is whats led most of us into debt in the first place. Im loving not having a CC and having to think do i actually NEED to get this today or can i save it for another week. Im sure mel has gone over everything with you but you have to be able to see the plan and believe you can do it. Now its Sunday morning of bank holiday weekend. My hubby is at work til 5 (same tomorrow) so me and the 3 kids are going for a walk (saves petrol) to local Country park with a picnic and play and laugh. I suggest you guys find a place and go out for the day. Forget creditors forget iva forget forum and focus on your family.

[Foggy]

Sorry, Lem, I do think that was a bit harsh. Today's Ox, although still doing the headless chicken, is in a far better place than the Ox of a couple of weeks ago. Things are getting sorted, as long as he can resist the urge to sabotage it all.

Meds are slowly kicking in and might need some tweaking -- a visit to the GP for this might be a good idea. Early days on the depression front.

[Ox1987]

Foggy
How do you mean sabotage it all ???

and sorry tina if you read this I having a bad time mentally over the BH weekend still focussed on the solution but having a bad head time and yesterday it did help

[Foggy]

Ox, by sabotage I mean, what your wife refers to as "spiralling". I am hoping that you don't get into a downward spiral where you throw in the towel due to overwhelming negativity.

Don't let go of this lifebelt, Ox.

[Ox1987]

I will not throw in the towel (i assume that means BR) as i need the lifebelt for my kids, but I just find the depression does not help me with it all.
I know it is having an impact of the family and it is my negativity and not the debts I have had noone chasing me at all yet as only missed one payment or so. So things are not that bad yet. I worry the negativity is rubbing of on my eldest who probably has been affected the most as some of his activities have been cut back, he seems down also and is crying a lot today, some of it though is because he cant have his own way to open his birthday present early.

The lifebelt that Foggy talks about is what is keeping me going I cannot afford to throw in the towel but seem to get it into my head that it wont be accepted, but I need to trust the team and let them get on with it. I saw on here a 84k debt settled with a 15k F&F so a 37k with a 10k F&F seems doable ??

I am going to cut the lawn and clean the conservatory roof

[Denise.gn]

Have tried to stay away from posting on the forum, and will continue to do so until my head is in gear, but just wanted to say to Ox, please stay strong for yourself and your family. You will be ok x