To Tell or Not to Tell

[Sadsack]

Last year when I was considering an IVA, I told my "then" partner what my intentions were. After realising that there were going to be no more holidays in the sun, eating out, buying expensive gifts etc etc - the amount of dust left in the air after they legged it, is still to settle!!

I have now met someone who is kind, caring and considerate - someone who is nuts about me, but I just cannot bring myself to talk to them about me being in an IVA. I am so scared that they too will do "a runner" and I am not sure if I can handle that.

As I have to sell my property to release equity, my home has been on the market for a while now. At the same time, the person I have met has also had their property on the market (possibly now sold) and there are now "whisperings" of jointly owning a property. I am not sure that I am comfortable with this idea as it would no doubt mean that I will have to say something. Seeking a mortgage would reveal that I am in an IVA. If, for any reason, I do decide to say something and we go ahead and purchase together, how will my being in an IVA affect them?

Sue

[steve532]

sadsack.
I guess its the final test. if they really love you they will understand, and love is long term not just 5 years.
be lucky

steve

[Oliver]

I tend to agree with Steve on this, it will be hard to keep this secret for potentially 5 years. I think I woiuld prefer to get things of my chest and tell my partner.

Best Regards
Oliver

Thomas Charles and Co Ltd.
Experts in personal debt solutions.
Read customer feedback at: www.thomascharles.com/about_us.asp

[ivoriva]

I too would tell now, rather than risk facing more heartbreak a few years down the line when things will be more complex. If they love you, Im sure they'll understand. Be sure to put emphasis on the time when you will be finally out of the IVA, and all that you'll have to look forward to then. Thats how my wife sees it.

[chris_]

Oh dear, please please please do not hide the fact that you are in an IVA.

The IVA process is not an easy option for anyone (particularly in my case) but the only way I could possibly get through it is with the support of my family.

When I met my wife I was 1 year into my IVA - there will only ever be trouble on the horizon if you do not talk about it - not as something to be ashamed of but as something that just is.

You should discuss this IVA at an appropriate time in your relationship - and if you are discussing living together then I suggest it should have been before now.

No skeletons please - in the long run it will only cause grief even if it seems better now. It is ignoring the long term which is the reason a lot of people get into debt in the first place, don't double up on your problems by hiding things from those dear to you.

If your new partner legs it, get drunk, get over it, get on with it.

Tomorrow you will realise that it would be a very shallow person indeed who held your IVA against you, and count yourself lucky.

Material wealth should not be the first priority of anyone in a relationship.

So, head up high and off you go.....

Chris

[iva experts]

Hi Sadsack,

Like all who posted I think it is better to tell your partner about your current debt situation.

You won’t know how your partner will react until you get it off your chest. Whichever way it turns out at least you will know instead of worrying and hiding it all the time.

Best of Luck whatever you decide.



Hope this information is of use

Regards. IVA Experts

[Darren]

Hi Sadsack, just tell him your going to be debt free in a few years and it is something you decided to deal with early on so you will have a better time in your Twilight years without the worry of any debt...(not saying your old or anything lol)but hopefully you get my drift, he`ll probably help you out (lol) get it done early, just tell him, im sure he knows someone in an IVA, the second part of your question how will it effect them is a good question that hasnt been addressed, would his money be judged as well as hers if they were to move in together? im sure some one else who knows can pick up on this matter?

B word not as bad as you`d think ? (im gonna find out soon)

[Sadsack]

Thanks for all your advice. I know that you are all correct in saying I should "front up". Lot easier said than done. I am concerned about the effect it might have on their financial situation and am not particularly keen for them to be involved in my debt.

For Chris - think it might be easier to get drunk first and then tell!!!!

Sue

[ivoriva]

Hi Sue,

I would say to be safe dont do anything joint financially just incase, at least not before making them fully aware of your situation. Im sure you could get a joint mortgage, but it maybe at a worse rate than if the other person applied in their name alone. In terms of the other person seeking other credit, I think having joint financial links does at the very least give the creditor license to check on both parties regardless of wether the application is in only their name. Though the 'joint' assesement (in a single name only application) is only supposed to count for about 10% of the overall score, by what I've read on here in the past.

[saz]

I am in exactly the same situation and ive made my debts known to him but i just cant bring myself to tell him im in an IVA, I assume he thinks the payment is for a loan, it's something we never talk about as he's got a loan and the payments for that is more than my payment, weve only been together a few months and have no plans for the future,

I dont know if we are going to be together for a long time or whether it's gunna fizzle out as it's early days, So that's why i dont really want to be telling someone who might never need know. I have thought long and hard about it and i think that in a few years if we are still together then i will tell him but going on my previous relationships the longest one was over in 5 years.

It all depends on you personal circumstances, if i had been with them a while then i would tell them or if we was thinking of living together, but for now in my situation theres no need for him to know!! hope this has helped in some way.



On the road to recovery IVA accepted
60months to go

[chris_]

Sue,

Your IVA is nothing that you should be getting yourself into such a state over

It's not like you've got a wooden leg and you haven't told him yet (you haven't have you ?) - I mean there is no getting away from something like that - it would affect both of you - eventually!

This is your IVA and you should treat it as such in your relationship - just drop it into the conversation when finances crop up.

No need to get plastered, or set up a posh meal or anything just to tell him - all that will do is give an impression of 'DOOM and DISASTER'

Talk about your IVA just like you would talk about anything else that would crop up of a delicate nature with your partner - such as Divorce, kids from a previos marriage, three nipples, etc etc - I mean you wouldn't have a crisis meeting to discuss those would you - they would have cropped up in general conversation. So should your IVA, his reaction to it will be based on your reaction to it.

(If you don't have a wooden leg and three nipples you've got nothing to worry about)

(If you have and he doesn't know - boy is he in for a shock! - THEN you will have a crisis meeting)

Chris.

[gimmewine]

First things first. Pluck up the courage and tell him. He may be shocked and upset but if he loves you he will get over that. Tell him you would love the idea of building a future together but unfortunately you've got in a mess in the past and are sorting it out via an IVA which will last another 5 years.

Then when you discuss your future (and I am saying when, because if he is truly nuts about you it will be) you can make informed decision on whether to stay in rented until the iva has finished or whether to buy a property together, possibly with separate mortgages so he does not get tangled up in your affairs.

Best of luck, go on, be a devil

[thebear29uk]

Hi Sue

I parted with my ex at the end of last year. I told her about my financial situation when I finally accepted I had a problem. I had hoped for a reconciliation but in Feb she told me she had started seeing somebody else. This weekend I received an email from her saying the reason she couldn't continue was because she felt betrayed. I've pasted part of it below.

I had a really good time when I was with you and I don't regret a single thing BUT I wish you had told me earlier on in our relationship. Can understand why you didn't, but it is me you were dealing with here and I would never have judged you, would have supported you - you must know that - and that's why I feel kind of betrayed.
I really wish you well and hope you get things sorted with everything but for gods sake tell your next girlie what's going on - you don't need to go into details but just be up front from the beginning.
I'm still seeing Mark - he's really nice and he's been in a similar situation financially and has credit card people hounding him - but the difference is he has told me right from the start. Don't know exactly how much he owes and don't really care but I know its a fair amount - its not made any difference to how I feel about him - the only difference is that we've probably spent more time in than going out when we do get together!!

I haven't replied as I don't quite know what to say but regardless I buried my head in the sand and kept the smiley happy face on and that has cost me my friendship and relationship with somebody I love.

Regarding how it will affect your partners finances if I understand correctly your IP would allow you to remortgage providing your monthly share of the mortgage is no more than you currently pay. Also your partner would have to provide any deposit. If he has a lot of equity in his current property that might be okay.

Hope love wins over hard headed finance.

Regards

Dave

[MelanieGiles]

If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, then this will be a good test of commitment for both of you. Please put the IVA into the perspective it is - you have made a deal to pay your creditors off, nothing more or nothing less. Most people these days are paying off some form of debts, so you are really no different.

And good luck for the future!

Regards, Melanie Giles, Insolvency Practitioner for over 20 years.

For further details contact me at http://www.melaniegiles.com and view my IVA blog at: http://melaniegiles.blogs.iva.co.uk

[chris_]

Well said Melanie, that is just the point I was trying to make - (and you managed to do it without talking about woodem legs and nipples - how clever you are.)

Chris.