Too Sensitive?

[Soulgrowth]

Sometimes I think I am too sensitive for my own good ... any views/opinions would be gratefully received ... please be honest

My middle daughter Sarah has been diabetic for many years and has needed a lot of support. This was particularly so last year when she became pregnant and her boyfriend made it very clear that he didn't want anything to do with any of it.

So she came back home to live with me all last year and, some of you might recall, that it was a real roller coaster of a year for me as pregnancy and diabetes doesn't go well together and was a worrying and physically exhaustive time having to fit daily hospital visits into and already very busy day and all the anxieties over whether we were going to lose one or both of them.

Madison eventually came into the world a year ago yesterday 8 weeks early by emergency cesearian, and it was a very poignant evening with myself and my two other daughters the ones at the hospital to support her ... my eldest daughter being present at the birth.

We then had a traumatic few months whilst Madison was in the special care baby unit and trying to find Sarah a home of their own ... in the end we secured a lovely little new council house for her.

Sarah has since found herself a charming young man who idolises the baby and I have no complaints about Rob.

However, in the last few weeks I have heard, through my other children, that Sarah has given up her house and moved in with Rob. Hey! I know that she deserves a secure future but I feel really upset that she didn't find enough time to pop in and tell me of her plans herself. Indeed, for about a 6 weeks I didn't even know where my Granddaughter was living.

The first I knew her address was when I was sent an invitation to her first birthday party to be held at a location (Rob's house) that I had never been to before and with a load of people (Rob's family) that I have never met. I decided not to go but instead stayed at home last night and toasted the evening with a large glass of JD as i viewsed this first anniversary as a thanksgiving that we had Madison at all.

My daughter did go as she has more bottle than I have, and she said that the room was full of people she didn't know and the mantelpiece full of birthday cards saying "To my Granddaughter" ... to a "lovely neice" etc., etc ... all from Rob's family ... people who have only known her for a few months.

Please don't get me wrong, I am pleased that these people are accepting Madison ... but I feel upset and angry ... why?

Debbie

[chris.g]

Step-families are very, very complicated, I know this first hand.
My guess is that you are feeling betrayed because you weren't told and had to find out 3rd hand. You should contact your daughter and clear the air. Ask her why she didn't tell you that she had moved and that you are hurt by the way it has been handled.
It is nice that your daughter and grand-daughter have been accepted and welcomed by this, what seems like, a loving and warm family. You too can become a part of that, there is no need to have 'his side and her side', why not pop round when you know/suspect that they will be there. That way you can get to know them yourself and may not feel as bad about the situation....
I've always said that being a good parent is bringing up your children to be indepentant and able to stand on their own two feet......it's not easy on us when they prove that they are though.
xxxx

[Viki.W]

Hey Debbie. I wouldn't say that was being too sensitive at all, that's natural to feel disappointed that these people seem to be "the family", when you're her fantastic mum and obviously loving grandma who has been through hell. I would speak to her as soon as possible and tell her exactly how you feel, she may not realise, it might be all him.

When my brother got married, he grew so close to his in-laws that it broke my mum's heart. He was very selfish. It wasn't as if my mum had done anything, she was an absolute lovely angel, the nicest, kindest person ever. He just preferred his "other family" over us. When my mum died, he broke down saying that he regretted everything.....it was too late then!

So, I would speak to her. And, Debbie, I'd feel exactly the same as you if it were me. Big hug.[:)] X

[aguise]

Ohh babe I would feel the same too I am sure.

I have had similar with mine, with even my friends telling me something before they do.
As you say it is lovley that they have all accepted Madison, but mum's give such love to their children and it hurts when they leave you out of important changes in their lives. The thing is nine times out of ten they dont even realise they have upset you. Both my daughters never tell me anything of any importance, I always find out via some grapevine, or as you say from one of the others. Sometimes I think they dont say anything because they dont want to hear the worries they already have about a decision.
I would have a word with Sarah as chris says and clear the air.
I am always told its because I worry too much (thats what mums do isnt it).

Debbie email me anytime, I may not be much help but am always there for you.

Ang xx

[Shining]

Debbie, no you're not being too sensitive they're being insensitive. I have two grandchildren and 4 children, the granddaughter all but lives here as we're so close it's beautiful. Go on bite the bullet and go around today on spec, say sorry couldn't make it the other night but I'm here now, don't miss out on her growing up. A huge cyber hug coming your way from me another Grandma. I'll tell you a secret, my granddaughter means the world to me and one weeken she goes to her Dad's and one to me, if I go away she comes with me, she is like my own. When she goes to see my ex-husband her grandad, I'm as jelous as hell, I despise the man and don't want him in her life. She deserves a grandad but he doesn't deserve a grandchild but I have to bite my tongue and say nothing. Aw Debbie hope you feeling ok and never think you're over sensitive as that's not so.

[Soulgrowth]

Ahhh ... thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I know what you mean about biting your tongue Lesley ... I had to do it for years when my own children were growing up ... my excuse now is that I am nearly 50 and I am going to say what I want to!! Indeed, it reminds me of a poem (below) which I love and am basing my increasingly eccentric self on.

Ang ... you are right, they probably don't even realise what they've done to upset me (although I think they do) ... thoughtless and insensitive, I could say that's youth for you, but I would never have dreamt of doing that to my old mum.

Thanks everyone ...

Debbie

“Warning”!

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

[tori]

that is a fab poem debbie ! and i certainly dont think your being over sensitive at all.those are nothing but perfectly natural feelings.i would be exactly the same.x[:)]

[moretolife]

hi debbie...it is hard being a mum...even when the children are all "grown and flown"

being the mum of three adults....i continually have to keep "short accounts" with myself and my feelings ...it would only take one perceived insensitive act upon another and before we know where we are we have built a wall that brings isolation and can be very difficult to break down ....

my own feeling on this isnt that you are too sensitive or that your daughter has been insensitive...its just that they DONT THINK.!!!...

parents are just "there" the same as we have always been ....and not always included in their lives anymore...

we need to make sure we are ..in the nicest possible way..

as others have said...just keep on loving and keep on forgiving and keep on being in her life as you were before and if the right moment comes then talk about it

keep pressing on

[MelanieGiles]

We had very much the same when my husband's second son (from his previous marriage) got married.

The ceromony was all in Welsh (we speak a little but not to that extent) and my step-son actually asked his Mum's new partner to make a speech rather than my hubbie. Very insensitive! My hub does not usually get upset at things like that, but it really did reach a nerve that has never really recovered to be honest.

Debbie - you are doing a classic and not being able to deal with something well, that you would be giving good counselling advice to someone else about! There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling - indeed it is a great attribute to be sensitive, as it means that you care. When the time is right I am sure that you will be able to chat to your daughter about how excluded you felt, but I am sure that things will be fine in the future.

[facingittogether]

hi debbie!

i dont think you are being oversensitive, i would feel exactly the same! its so difficult being a mum, sometimes more so when they are grown up i think! your daughter is probably unaware of how left out you feel!

i hope when the time is right you can air your feelings and get things sorted! she is a very lucky woman to have such a caring, lovely mum as you!

love barb x

[pixie]

hey Debbie, you're not being over sensitive at all. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean to upset you. She's probably been so caught up with her fella and moving that she hadn't realised she hadn't actually told you. Mum's are supposed to know everything afterall!
This must be a busy and exciting time for her and mum is always there no matter what. Perhaps she thought you might disaprove and didn't want to upset you.
Go and see her and your precious grandaughter, the sooner the better. Life's too short to miss a moment over hurt feelings. I'm sure once you see her it'll be absolutely fine. How on earth can you get your own back and embaress her with the purple dress and slippers otherwise!!

[Jan01]

Hi Debbie
I have had a similar thing with my daughter in that i went to her home to give her 3 year old her birthday present to find a party in full swing with my daughters partners family. I just gave Lilly the present spoke to the other 2 children and left. I cried all the way home just a phone call asking to come over to see Lilly on her birthday was all I needed.
So no you are not being over sensitive perhaps speaking to your daughter and letting her know how you feel and asking her to keep in touch. I will say that my daughter certainly knows where to come when things aren't going well and as a caring mum I step in help where I can.

Thinking of you Debbie

Jan

[freelili]

Hiya Debbie

You said be honest so here goes. I can completely understand why you feel upset about all of this. It isnt fair of your daughter to move without telling you and you not knowing where the little one is after you worked so hard to help when they both needed it.

I also think that because your daughter has been so dependant on you, with the diabetes etc, she may have been feeling that she couldnt just be sponteneous and go. She has been swept off her feet, in a pleasant way on one hand, but I do not doubt youre in her thoughts, she will want to reconcile it all and probably didnt want to throw away the house in front of you as she felt guilty'. She was thinking with her heart instead of her head. I have an Aspergetrs syndrome son, who has just become a father, he has always been quite dependent on me in the 'counselling sense' but he has flexed his wings and kind of said, up yours, I can do this. I kind of grieved for this need somehow but on the other hand I am pleased for him.

Please dont shut yourself out of the lives of these beautiful people, you have helped so much to nurture. Get your glad rags on, paint a smile (I have had to do this many times) and get yourself in there. Slog it out and smile again.

Lots of love and hugs

[chris.g]

Yet again Lily you have said it so beautifully and yet so honestly.....I wish I could have half of your way with words. xx

[freelili]

I did something similar to my Mom and Dad, they got me a flat as I wanted to be independant. I met this guy, I knew he was the one and we so wanted to be together. I moved him in and didnt contact Mom and Dad for a couple of weeks.... Then Dad phoned me at work, saying, err where are you? Just checking youre still alive... He never phoned at work, ever. I knew they wouldnt approve but I loved this guy so much, I never wanted to hurt them but I must have.... Sometimes we just dont think, we dont realise our parents need us as much as we need them, in different ways of course.