Too Sensitive?

[Soulgrowth]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your wise words and experiences. It would seem that it's not just me but the whole family that feel somewhat let down, which makes me feel a bit better.

All of my four children have at some time or another done the "up yours" bit and flown the nest ... flying off to some 'better' family than I have, apparently, been able to give them ... they are all very independent, which I see as a sign of success on my part.[:)] Having been a single parent for so many years it does result in quite an intense mother-child relationship as I was all they had ... so, in many respects, I have tended to actively encourage the cutting of the apron string ties for their sake ... perhaps sometimes too much.

I have no doubt that Sarah will come around ... they all have at some time or another.

In the meantime, I shall continue to wear purple and become more and more eccentric and batty ... and enjoy it.

Debbie

[Soulgrowth]

Aaahh ... thanks LadyH

I received an email from Sarah today with pics of the birthday party ... and I think that you have hit the nail on the head to a big degree.

In many ways, because I am somewhat the matriach of the family (both my parents have died) there is an element of me feeling as if I need to point a few things out on behalf of 'the family' (sounds a bit like The Mafia doesn't it!) ... I would hate for rifts to be caused later because I haven't spoken out now. If we gloss over things then it can cause underlying tensions.

And so I have said my piece ... and hopefully it will nip things in the bud at an early stage ... I will keep you all posted.

And don't we have some amazingly talented people on this Forum ... isn't it great to be able to share life experiences.

Debbie

[Wizzard]

I sympathize with you Debbie. I have 2 grand children whom I see once a year if I'm lucky yet there other grand parents see them every few weeks. My daughters idea of keeping in touch is a Xmas card and a phone call if her PC isn't working. Having said that I am seeing grandson tomorrow. He reckons turning 10 is a big thing and is expecting a prezzie commensurate (his word believe it or not) with the occasion. Cheeky young sod!!

[kallis3]

Debbie, I don't think you are being insensitive at all. We have a similar sort of thing.

My husbands daughter from his first marriage has turned into nightmare. She was married, nice bloke, lived in Poole (great for cheap weekends away!). She then decided to leave him (we never had had the full and true story about that, don't suppose we ever will.) She left him on their wedding anniversary, we went to Florida that day so knew nothing about it.

She's now divorced, living in a house she can barely afford in Nuneaton. She has one mixed race child, had an abortion when the baby was about 6 months old, has been through more blokes than I have had hot dinners (sorry to be crude!) and has now shacked up with another one. We find most of this out off her brother, she never tells us. We do get to see her daughter occasionally, but not often.

It's not nice being kept in the dark about these things, but I am sure your daughter doesn't realise how much it is bothering you.

She'll come round in her own time. In the meantime - enjoy the pictures.

[Julie]

Hi - I don't think you're being too sensitive. Just reading the other posts shows how many parents / grandparents are in similar positions.

I've struggled with my daughters new family. She has found a lovely partner and his family adore my granddaughter, but I don't half get jealous. I also get accused of being too selfish and wanting to know her every move. I think it comes with the territory of being a caring person.

Please don't dwell on it Debbie - you have always given lovely, sensitive advice and support on here. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mum x

[Soulgrowth]

It is so nice to know that we share similar experiences. I let Sarah know exactly how I feel in an email ... so I will leave it to her now to come round when she wants to ... I think that many of you are right when you say that she probably doesn't realise.

Strange thing is that have 'felt' my mum 'around' in the last few days and I truly feel that this experience has been put up for me to start to make a stand ... and so, instead of keeping my feelings to myself as I have historically done, I have decided to start speaking out a little more ... perhaps it is a case of the worm is turning which makes one not too popular at first.

Ray ... it does feel sometimes as if they only want you when they need something ... Sarah has had a lot of emotional, physical and ill-afforded financial support in the last few years.

Debbie

[Viki.W]

Sounds good Debbie, I'm a big believer in speaking out, even if it may cause a little conflict. It's best out in the open in the long run. You will always know you've done your best and it puts the ball in the other court then. Hope you're ok. X

[Lisa2009]

Debbie, your sensitivity makes you.....well, you.
We all think you are brill

[freelili]

I would feel angry too, if it was my daughter. Sometimes its easier to keep giving and giving and you just feel like a useful 'thing', a problem solver, someone to turn to. I needed help myself last year and I told my kids quite a few times, I cant, I just cant.

My stepdaughter is all pissed off because she wants me to take her to some zoo miles away on Tuesday. I did go to Manchester with Matthew for four days, I am throwing a big party tomorrow, well actually its today, (oh god I am so stressed, I have got it into my head that the DJ isnt going to come, nor the caterers, etc, etc). Its been an emotional week, I have to go back to Manchester probably on Wednesday, back for the weekend, then again the following Tuesday. I need this Tuesday to get over the weekend with everyone staying. You cant please em so they get all pissed off but when they want to do something, its their life and sod you....You just cant win... So now I just tell them straight... My son got it today, even though he has just become a Daddy, "Oh, I didnt realise", he said. Well now you do. Sometimes they ignore me for a few hours, sometimes its one word answers. I know they wouldnt ever want to hurt me, but since the wormed turned, I get much more respect. Or does it just seem that way....because it doesnt fester...

[Soulgrowth]

Thanks Lilli ... sorry to hear about your situation and I truly hope the party goes well ... I hate these 'family' events when exes etc. are involved. I have always said that divorce is more difficult than bereavement (in no way meant to detract from those of you who may have suffered the loss of a partner) as it seems that, when you share children with someone, the issues never truly go away ... and they keep coming up throughout the years just like bad pennies. [:(]

You are right about the respect ... I have analysed whether it is pride making me make a stand and not 'giving in' and going round to see my daughter ... but I can honestly say that it's not ... it's about I have gone to far in the softy approach and now need to make a stand if I am to keep the cohesiveness of my family and earn some respect for future years.

... the continuing saga is that I have received an email informing me that Madison has 'other' family now along with an "invitation" to "visit" her tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon ... I feel most insulted. My reply was to remember the advice that my mum gave me ... which is "blood is thicker than water" ... and the positive side? ... at least I shall be able to save a bit of money now for that central heating system that probably wont last the winter ... instead of handing it all out to Sarah.

Ray ... I hope all goes well with your Grandson's visit today as well

Debbie

[freelili]

Debbie

I am so sorry, this must be hurting like hell. I hope Sarah comes to realise that too. You make the stand you need to make, I have been there with my stepdaughter. (she is always trying to prove a point). My hope is that you have someone to lean on, someone is there to support you. These things can be vary trying and soul destroying.

Thinking of you.

Best of luck.

[Skippy]

We have a problem with Dave's children from his first marriage (both adults) - they are either all over him (because they want something) or he doesn't hear from them. He's got grandchildren who he hardly ever sees as his daughter in law hates him - we have no idea why. His son moved and didn't give him his new address, which I think is unforgiveable.

Debbie, I'm sure things will work out with Sarah and Madison. I don't know how old she is, but I said and did a lot of things to hurt my mum when I was younger, mainly due to not thinking before I acted. We're now closer than we used to be and I try and think before I speak! I hope you're ok xxx

[louiseh]

Beware the bloods thicker than water attitude, my mother in law is forever quoting this to my husband. He has the daughter from hell from a previous marriage, needless to say we don't get on. This phrase works in reverse, as neither the mother in law or the daughter are blood to me, I don't put up with any of the crap that they dish out. So beware taking this bloods thicker than water attitude, in my case it did start to cause a rift between my husband and I. He does however know which side his breads buttered on and as proved on many occassions since he now sides with me. Unfortunaetly people tend to forget all the help and assistance given to them in the past, they make descions based on the here and now, and whats best for them at this moment in time. Your daughters new partner and family are obviously very important to her at this moment in time, I wouldn't want to do anything that would force her to take sides. Only my personal opinion based on my current situation, seeing the situation from the other point of view.

[Soulgrowth]

Hi Skip ... hope you had a good holiday.

Sarah is twenty-two ... a very similar thing happened with my oldest daughter (Sophie) when she was a bit younger ... and we now have a good relationship again, even though it will never be quite as close as it used to be ... one can forgive but not always forget a significant hurt [:(]

It is now interesting for Sophie (who is now a mature mother of two and undergraduate student) to witness what is going on and I know she is having an input with Sarah in terms of, new family or not, it is important to maintain that mother-daughter relationship, especially when you have babies of your own.

Thanks for putting the other side of the equation Louise. I have experienced that from the other side of the fence as well ... and also seen it with families that I work with ... my own ex-husband took the side of his new partner over and above his children and it caused significant upset to his children which I had to deal with. From his own doing (encouraged by his partner) he now has a less than close relationship with his adult chilren and recently had a serious health scare. His partner who couldn't (or didn't want to) cope with it too well, was on the phone to my daughter as good as begging her to take the strain off her and accompany him to the hospital for the test results ... needless to say she didn't!

Lilli ... probably, I suspect, like you no support ... other than you brillaint folks ... as it has been for many years, I do it all alone ... I have to say that it's a but exhaustive nowdays and I don't always bounce bac as well as I used to from each new 'issue'

Debbie