trying to save marriage while on IVA

[lostoncontact]

Got a problem with my stepdaughter and a disagreement we had ...shes on medication for psychological issues and has tried to halm herself in the past....long story short...we fell out several months back and now she left but wont come back unless I leave.....now how would I stand with getting the IVA to look at giving me leyway for several months while I try and re build the relationship to keep the main house going and keep my 9 & 7 year old along with the wife in the family home I would have to rent...we've already had to miss 2 of the 3 miss periods allowed

[kazzafunk]

It's a difficult one this. An IVA puts pressure on households and when there is another problem on top it can be impossible to deal with.

How long have you been in the IVA? Do you own a property? Family is first obviously, but this is an enormous pressure on both you and your wife.

You may find it difficult to get another break but always worth discussing with your IP.

Please come back with any other questions or just to sound off on the forum - it has been a godsend to me over the years.

[lostoncontact]

we are comming up to starting our 3rd year in the summer and the only way to keep up the IVA is for me to keep taking the wife to work at 7pm and picking her up later and probably keeping the kids in a flat with me during that time...but to do this i need a period to work with.

[lostoncontact]

we do own the house through the bank

[kazzafunk]

Do you own your own property hun? If you did have to move out or your wife reduce her hours, you MAY not have to make any payments for the 3 years.

It seems like a big step but it might be the right one. I don't know how many of our IPs that post on here will be around over the Christmas period but it might be worth posting on the debt post also and we can keep bumping it up so it might be seen by one of the experts.

I think you have to get over Christmas and New Year first. It is stressful at the best of times and you will just stress yourself out more which may have an impact on the family.

[lostoncontact]

Its a massive step and Im not convinced I will be able to change the stepdaughter mind ...but the wife is trying to make sure she doesn't end up in a hostel ..didnt help the housing officer told her the hostel might have drug addicts!!!

Im desperate to try and resolve issue but to do that I need to stay close to do that and if I cant get them to help then everyone will be in trouble.

[Hair_bobbles]

Your stepdaughter is emotionally blackmailing you. Moving out & leaving your wife & 2 younger daughters is a bad idea.

Is your wife putting pressure on you to move out so's the mentally unstable daughter can move back in?
I can understand that she is worried about her daughter & doesn't want her to come to harm- but it won't solve the mental illness.
I would try & be as reasonable as possible with your stepdaughter & tell her she is not being reasonable expecting you to move out & leave your responsibility to take care of your family.
What has changed for her to want to come back home?

[Pandy]

I agree with hair_bobbles, Sorry if this sounds harsh, and please do not be offended as no offense is meant but unless your wife has told you to move out, your step daughter is using blackmail to get her own way, what are your 2 other children going to think of you if you move out to please the step daughter as you would be putting her needs above there needs to have their dad around 24/7.
If your step daughter needs to go into a hostel let her, she will soon learn which side her bread is buttered and may even realize you are no so bad after all.
If your wife has asked you to move out so her daughter can move back in she is putting her daughters needs ahead of her marriage which is (in my eyes) just wrong.

[lostoncontact]

Hi Guys

The situation is very complicated, the step daughter who I had a good relationship with up to 6months ago (although now shes telling people that she never did) has a 2 year history of harming herself and what I called suicide lite attempts....wrapping she laces round her neck til she passed out...however shes on medication and hasnt had an episode for along time.

6 months ago she joined the mormons and having come across them before in the past especially on some of their believes around equal marriage rites ( I had a gay sister who struggled due to people judging her)....I reacted really badly and stopped talking to her....she tends to dominate her mother and used her room like a tip...I finally flipped the other weekend after months of my wife trying to get her to clean it and been told to go away...the only thing that seemed to wok is me telling my wife to tell her that if she hadnt cleaned it up by the end of the week I would chuck it all.....I stuck everything in bin bags including all the food wrapper mixed in with the clean and dirty clothes...and double bagged them and stuck 5 bags full near the bins...she recovereed them later and when I over heard her talking on line instead of going through them I hit the roof...The next day after work I my wife if the stepdaughter had cleared the bags 'she says she'll do it later'...a few words happened between the two of us and I ended storming out instead of taking the wife to work...came back 10mins later to discover my wife had taken my two youngest and the step daughter over to friends ...
The step daughter refused to come back and they got in a housing officer to find her alternative accommodation ...she didnt like the options so put emotional pressure on my wife....I hadnt helped the situation but the outcome is designed more to punish everyone if Im unwilling to give in to her...however as you will know been on an IVA isnt that simple.....so the upshot is to try and give us time to work things out as my wife now wants us to stay together but still needs me to move out (mug of the month)....but the realities are been ignored .

Im willing to try anything but even with the best will in the world we cannot afford for me to rent so any money or leeway we can not pay the IVA will be purely for extra food (will no doubt end up in either a hovel or the car)....so has anyone ever tried to get the 3 month non payment extended and are they likely to look favorably due to the circumstances ( Cant get hold of the IVA company till after Christmas)

Also if we cant make the payments what happens to the house and occupants ...are they given notice and how long is the notice usually.

[lostoncontact]

If I dont move out then the wife probably will and her and the boys will end up in temporary accommodation....so Im stuck between a rock and a hardplace....I say No and everything happens now...or I go along in the hope things will change or the wife sees how utterly stupid this all is

font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica">quote:<hr height="1" noshade>Originally posted by Peejayel

I agree with hair_bobbles, Sorry if this sounds harsh, and please do not be offended as no offense is meant but unless your wife has told you to move out, your step daughter is using blackmail to get her own way, what are your 2 other children going to think of you if you move out to please the step daughter as you would be putting her needs above there needs to have their dad around 24/7.
If your step daughter needs to go into a hostel let her, she will soon learn which side her bread is buttered and may even realize you are no so bad after all.
If your wife has asked you to move out so her daughter can move back in she is putting her daughters needs ahead of her marriage which is (in my eyes) just wrong.

[luluj]

Very difficult times for you. No point blaming each other ...whats done cannot be undone. My advice is to try and work it through over the Christmas period for the sake of the children, and then sit down with your wife after Christmas and discuss the financial impact on running two households and see if there is any other way.
Emotions are running high, but it appears from reading your story you both want your marrage to work, its just having to find a way through the issues with your step daughter .... Have the strength to get through the next few days x