I’m not sleeping too well at the moment, hence the late night posts.
I decided to write and off load a bit, because it’s been a difficult day emotionally and I know I can do that here.
Some days seem normal , at least on the surface: fact is those days are auto pilot days. Today started off like that, but by the time it was over we had run an obstacle course of mini dramas and emotions.
A simple conversation with Nicky about her anti-natal appointment, revealed some deep fears. Its is obvious that while physically she is ready, emotionally she isn’t. She is scared, not of the physical pain, but of yet another emotional slap of reality when she has to face the fact that soul mate isn’t going to be there; that this isn’t a nightmare she can wake up from. There is still a part of her, and us if I’m honest, that still can’t quite believe that any of this is true. How can you be speaking to someone and planning for their return one day, and just hours later their heart stops and in that moment they are gone. He was only 34 for goodness sake and he wouldn’t have missed seeing their new daughter, it is that very fact that Nicky fears. She knows that when he doesn’t turn up to see the new baby, it will prove to be true and that he really is gone. It really will be a roller coaster of emotions for her and I just hope we get her and ourselves as prepared for it all as we can. Her solution is to have a pause button and put it on hold for a bit, but Mother Nature doesn’t work like that.
Later in day Roukia got upset and, flopped herself down, is the only way to explain it, on the bean bag. To watch a 3yr old just sitting with her head in her hands asking for baba to call her is heart breaking: no tears, just the look of despair you only expect to see adults showing. I picked her up and hugged her and she looked up at me and said, “nanny, this is terrible, where’s my Baba?” Then, as it is with little ones, she spotted a bird feeding on the nuts we had put out and was distracted.
The 2 older ones outwardly look like they are picking up the pieces and moving on. In truth, they have no choice as they have to go to school and engage in the real world, but today we found some papers on Laurens bedroom floor and while it is good that she is wring her thoughts down, its so sad to feel the pain that’s within the words. Jess too has been begun to express her feelings by writing poems, and while this is good thing, for both of them, it is soul destroying to see your young family going through this.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring; we don’t think that far ahead yet. We are still taking it a day at a time. But I do know that I personally am glad that you guys let me and others come and sound off here. The advice and support within this site goes beyond money, finances and debt, because it isn’t just a web site, it’s a community.
I look forward to the day I can let you see some smiling faces as we proudly show off our newest arrival when she comes.
Never take a moment or a loved one for granted in the blink of an eye they may be lost forever.
You are welcome to view my ramblings here.
http://cazlizzy.blogs.iva.co.uk
Carole
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