Keeping up with Friends/Family who don't know!

[Sharon2018]

No one knows my husband and I are in an IVA, I would die of shame to tell anyone but when they don't know they expect us to be able afford more than we can. My SIL has just been over in a planning mood and her suggestions on things we should do have depressed me beyond belief, I just can't keep up with them, I try to say I can't afford things but she just encourages me to save for it or 'put it on the credit card' That's what got us in this mess in the first place. The latest is a grand plan to take my mum to London for mothers day shopping trip, she is my mum and I'm the one dragging my heels to treat my mum. Fact of the matter is I'm saving every spare penny just so we can afford repairs to the car and my husband needs dental work due to cost £200, so I'm already squerralling away every penny I can [:(]

[Sharon2018]

Have I put this post in the right place, I'm new and not quite sure about the different forums?

[footiemad]

I know it is so hard and very frustrating at times. You are just going to have to be very hard with her and say that although you love your Mum very much you cannot afford to get into debt for the sake of Mother's Day when you have other major expenses on the horizon and if she can afford it, then have a nice day. I'm afraid I get to the stage now where I get sick of people flashing the cash and expecting others to follow suit, let them get on with it and hold your head up high. At the end of the day, or 5 years time, you'll be in a better place. Hmmm, I feel better for that. Big hugs x

[footiemad]

Yes you did put it in the right place x

[Sharon2018]

Oh thank you so much, I'm sure I will get better at it, after years of going along with everything and suggesting my own fair share of stuff its hard to get friends/family not to assume I will be on board. I hide behind the fact I've got a 2 little girls now but then I get the 'you need a break for yourself' lecture!

[footiemad]

Yes I understand what you mean I do get all of that but I've found that I'm hardening up a bit now. I was just reading your last post about mortgages etc after the IVA and thought I would just mention that your credit record will be shot for 6 years from day 1 of the IVA. When the 6 years are up you can then begin to clean up your credit files and then look to move house and you will probably need the help of a whole of market mortgage broker like Ryan who posts on here. If your house is still in negative equity at that stage you will have to save for a decent deposit though!! I always say where there is a will there is a way and there are many posters on here who have completed their IVA's and gone on to obtain mortgages etc. Keep talking to hubby and lifting each others spirits and when that falls short come and talk to us x

[Sharon2018]

Oh thanks for your advice on that, our IVA is 6 years anyway, so no doing anything until 6 years done anyhow!

[Til]

Hi Sharon, I feel for you as I have friends who have large disposable incomes that do not know about our IVA and whilst not done with any malice they sometimes assume we can do things that we can't afford.

I have however found with the economy the way it is it is now far more acceptable to say "we can't really afford that" and people are more understanding. I sometimes say that my hubbys wages have been cut recently so we are playing it safe for a while - that usually works.

When I've been told to "stick it on the credit card" I sometimes say "No we don't have one as we think they are dangerous" ... not a lie really and people who rely on them tend not to push it any further as they are too busy wondering how you cope without one lol.

When it comes to things like family planning "gifts" that we should club in on I normally say "Oh sorry I've already got a personal special surprise planned but you go ahead without us" ... then I try to buy something sentimental or personalised on ebay for a fraction of the cost - or make a gift for them - e.g. gift baskets with lots of small cheap things can be put together over many weeks - they save you spending too much in one go and can become very personal well appreciated gifts for the effort you put in to making it all about that person.

If you have too young girls and get the "time for yourself" lecture you might want to do what I do and say "oh no I will have too much time for myself when they are grown up and I want to enjoy every minute with them while they are little" ... often shuts up naysayers!

You may also like to always remember that those people splashing the cash and using the credit card with no thought are often in the same situation we've been in with debt up the whazoo but they aren't yet at that tipping point.

Frugality is now more fashionable than ever before and slowly as you get used to saying it you will find ways to avoid these tricky situations. I really feel for you and if you are ever stuck the Forum is brilliant for advice and guidance on how to handle personal IVA issues as well as the debt side too.

Good luck x

[Sharon2018]

I really like that response to having little children soon be grown up, I'll use that! As for joint presents, I'll have to be more on my game in future, never mind, managed to wriggle out of mothers day as mum not well and not up to trip to London!

[Shining]

I agree it's difficult, none of my family ever knew about my IVA (apart from youngest daughter). I managed to hide it by making all excuses imagineable as to why I couldn't do this or that and in the end people got used to it and just accepted when I said no sorry.

My brother is very successful and when we visited him it impacted the most but in the end I just said to him I'm sorting my finances and things are tight right now and will be for a while so count me out but thanks for asking anyway and he was fine didn't question anything further.