Wizzard gigglets.

[Andy1964]

I'll start the ball rolling.
This is one of his earliest.
As discussed, feel free to lift more from his profile page, replies will only deter from the purpose of this thread.



Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combination's DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1 A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least...
13. Thongs and Incontinence Pads



We all need a little titter don't we

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Julie]

Another early one of Wizz's and one I could relate too [:D]

One Sunday morning when my daughter was about 7, we were attending the local chapel in our community for the harvest festival. It was common for the minister to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular Sunday morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised her hand and said, "It means me dad's cooking dinner."

[Julie]

Another early one [:)]

I am kitten, hear me roar!
See me chase toys on the floor.
I will do just what I want,
Obey you? Hmph; I will not!
Give me some, I will take more.
I am kitten, hear me roar!

I am kitten, hear me roar!
I am tabby to the core.
Though you think I'm really cute,
Wait until you see your boot.
To my food dish I will soar,
I am kitten, hear me roar!

I am kitten, hear me roar!
Little mousies I will gore.
Deep inside my fluffy fur,
There are feelings that occur,
I grew up with claws that tore,
I am kitten, hear me roar!

And to prove I'm not biased ... one for the dog lovers too ....

How to photo a puppy in 10 easy steps

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

[Andy1964]

This I think is quite topical[;)]

Reasons to become a referee:

You love football, but can't quite understand the rules

You have the strange desire to run aimlessly around in the wind, rain and snow

You love the sound of verbal abuse

You find it hard to make decisions and whenever you do your always wrong

*******************************************************************

Offside definition

Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.

Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket

Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.

A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.

All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.

********************************************************************

[Andy1964]

And some I really liked[:D]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Have a great day xx

[Andy1964]

<font face="Impact"><font face="Courier New"><font face="Courier New">And some brought a tear to my eye.

After having their 11th child, a Newcastle couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less expensive alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Geordie said to the doctor, "Ah may not be the cliverest guy in the world, but Ah divent see how putting a firework in a can of Newkie next tiv my ear is ganna help me."

"Trust me" said the doctor, "It'll do the job".

So the man went home, lit the biggest banger he could find and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Have a great day xxx</font id="Courier New"></font id="Courier New"></font id="Impact">

[Andy1964]

And some were a little confused[:)]

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)